So I’ve spent the first two weeks of my summer vegetating on my bed while catching up on the seasons of my favorite TV shows that I missed because I was too busy with studying and the “college life”. Today I finished the first season of Pretty Little Liars (yea I’m way behind on that one) and let me tell you, watching that show takes me way back to my own high school years, which weren’t technically that long ago (just about four years, okay so maybe it’s been a while) but feel like they happened in another life. Anyway, back then the drama that went on between my closest friends and I, who continue to be my closest friends (proving that real friends’ relationship can endure anything), and the secrets that we shared as well as hid from one another was a lot like PLL, except we none of us died, though I have to admit at times I wished one or two of my friends would. That drama is mostly behind us, we still have our moments of bitchiness and we all still keep secrets from each other. Of course in real life, like on PLL, secrets always come out, but our friendships last. For me, May is always graduation month because in our academic calendars everyone graduates then, but it’s also the end of the rush of classes and social lives that keep us too busy to ever pause and think and reflect on the past, so the end of May, for me, is when I take the time to  go over everything that has happened in the last year and compare that to years past. The last week of May is truly like New Year’s for me; a time to make the definite choices that will shape my life for the coming year. Thus far, my life is way different from what it was and what I expected, in some ways it’s better, in many more it’s worse. Yet I think I’m so far a better person than I was and, unlike in high school, I don’t hate myself and my life every day of the week, and in really good times only one week of the month ;)

Why China? Because I don’t know anyone there and no one there knows me. And sometimes, most of the time, all I want, all I wish for is to disappear. I’d take the job farthest away from everyone and everything I ever knew and leave it and everyone behind. I’d bury every single menory, lock it away in the deepest and darkest part of my subconscious, and then maybe I wouldn’t hate everything and everyone and myself so much. Maybe then I could be happy. I would really like that.

And you’ll never know how many tears I’ve cried for you or how you’re always on my mind. It’s a secret I’ll always keep, because now I know I can’t trust you with my heart.